The Sermon
The scene: Two vicars dressed in traditional dog collar but with the TV evangelist type voice.
1 My children, my beloved children, let me hear you say yeah!(wait for response)
2 Brothers and sisters, nephews and nieces, short back and sides, our message tonight is one of human warmth.
We all need a living fire inside us, and if you haven’t got that living fire, see your coal merchant right away, it’s 10 pound a hundred weight. Let me hear you say nutty slack.
1 Now let me ask you something my children, does your soul need that healing power? Just answer me when I’m talking to you. Because if your soul needs that healing power, your heal must need soleing. Let me hear you say cobblers.
2 Now the road to salvation is hard and bumpy and full of holes. The council were reinforcing it but ran out of money��.many people have tried to find salvation along this road, and many of them have lost their way including several politicians. Let me hear you say oh no not again.
1 And my children I asked the Lord to show us the way, I said Lord give us a sign and he gave us a sign, and the sign said “Gone to lunch back at 2.30″. And all I could say was “No Lord I was thinking more of a pillar of fire by night and a pillar of cloud by day. So he sent me a pillar of cloud by night and I couldn’t see it. Then he finally got the idea and sent me a pillar of fire by day and the church burnt down. Let me hear you say did it!
2 He just told you it did, now pay attention or get out. Now then brothers and sisters we have been ministering to our flock on the street. And it is a difficult thing to do, Let me hear you say why? Well you try keeping 300 sheep on the pavement. Let me hear you say Baa.
1 We need a power, my children, a power, a strength and an inner tranquillity and friends, I found it in the Jaguar xjs, let me hear you say overdrive, let me hear you say overpriced, let me hear you say over acting. Now don’t be rude.
2. Now brothers and sisters, grandpas and grandmas, marks and spencers. Let us sing glorias, then to be fair gloria can sing carols, carol can try hossannas and hossanna can try hallelujahs. I can’t try anything as I’ve been tried 3 times this year already. Let me hear you say guilty but insane! I agree.
1 And finally because you’ve been such a great congregation tonight, and I need money to go on a mission trip to Hawaii, for and extra pound you can have a junior bed time prayer book or a sermon book guaranteed to send your kids to sleep. The choice is yours. We take cheques and all major credit cards.
2 Thankyou very much, you’ve been a simply wonderful congregation, goodnight and God bless.
